


Crack!fic: The Real Reason

by Yamx



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Innuendo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-29
Updated: 2009-12-29
Packaged: 2017-10-21 15:52:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/226922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yamx/pseuds/Yamx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After all these years, the Doctor finally tells Jack the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crack!fic: The Real Reason

**Author's Note:**

> **Beta:**   
> [Wendymr](http://wendymr.livejournal.com/)

“I can’t let you walk around with a working teleport, Jack!” the Doctor says, reaching for Jack’s wrist.

Jack extends his hand without a struggle, but looks at the Doctor with hurt in his eyes. “Why not? You still don’t trust me?”

The Doctor stops and looks at him, honestly surprised. “After everything we’ve been through? Of course I trust you!”

“Then why?” Jack tentatively tries to pull his hand back, but finds the Doctor is still holding his wrist tightly. “Why won’t you let me have a teleport? There are at least five other ex-Time Agents out there who have them, not to mention other species. You never go after them.”

“Yes, but if _you_ had one, it’d endanger this entire universe!”

Jack tries in vain to keep the sulkiness out of his voice. “Right. But it has nothing to do with you not trusting me.”

“It doesn’t! I-” The Doctor looks at Jack for a long time, considering him carefully. “You really want to know? The real reason? Because Jack, it’s going to change the way you look at the world – forever.”

Jack frowns. “Tell me. I can take it.”

The Doctor bites his lip. “This is going to be weird.”

Jack raises an eyebrow. “Unlike the rest of our lives, you mean?”

That gets him a chuckle, but then the Doctor turns serious again. “All right. You asked for it. The reason I can’t let you walk around with a working teleport – is that it would make the _Torchwood_ writers’ life a living hell.”

Jack blinks. Once. Twice. “Come again?”

The Doctor sighs. “You know parallel universes, yeah? Well, some of them aren’t actually parallel. They… intersect. Entwine. Influence each other. Even contain each other.”

Jack is feeling an enormous headache coming on. “And…”

“This universe – the one you and I live in – well, in another universe, we’re a TV series. No, wait, two. I mean, one each. And then there’s Sarah Jane’s, and K-9 briefly had one, too, but that didn’t go so well…”

All right, that’s it. The Time Lord has finally snapped. Jack shakes his head. “Are you serious?”

“Told you it’d sound crazy. Now, the thing is, if you had a working teleport, it would make your life much easier, right?”

Jack just stares.

“Right?” the Doctor repeats.

Jack nods mutely.

“So, that’d make it practically impossible for the writers of your show to come up with any interesting storylines. Everything would be _too_ easy for you. No suspense. No drama. Eventually, people would lose interest. Next step, cancellation. And boom – this universe ceases to exist. Well, at least your part.”

Jack blinks, dumbstruck. He wants to believe this is a joke, but he can tell the Doctor is perfectly serious. “Our lives… are a TV show?”

“Two TV shows. Mine’s the longest-running science fiction series ever!” The Doctor sounds extraordinarily pleased about that.

Jack nods. “And… are we on before or after the watershed?”

Now the Doctor seems slightly embarrassed. “I’m before, you’re after.”

Jack grins at that. “Figures.”

The sonic screwdriver bleeps and the Doctor pockets it. “So therefore – no teleports!”

“Yes, Sir.”

The Doctor turns to leave, but a strong pair of arms around his waist stops him. A sultry voice whispers in his ear. “So… want to help me get up my ratings?”

The End

  



End file.
